Archives: sex toy reviews

Sex toy review: this $6 bullet vibe I got on Amazon.com

➼ I’m not even naming the brand because it doesn’t matter.
➼ My review is: don’t buy a bullet vibe for $5.99
➼ Other vibes are more expensive but you get what you pay for

➼ On the bright side, the numbing vibrations are actually very good pain relief when I use this as a massager for the tension in my shoulders! And on its own, that seems worth the $5.99.
➼ I didn’t pay shipping because I bought over $25 worth of books along with my bullet vibe. One of the books was Rebecca Solnit’s Hope in the Dark. I made all these purchases on the night of the November 6, 2016 election. For obvious reasons in hindsight, Solnit released a new edition soon after (the original version is still good! Just out-of-date). Overall, it was not a night of wise purchases. But my cheap vibe was not the worst decision made by any American person on that date, so.

Sex toy review: Astroglide water-based gel lube

So this isn’t quite a toy, and perhaps this is less a review than a product recommendation and/or a PSA, with a bit of rant thrown in (feel free to scroll past it to the actual ‘about Astroglide’ info if you already agree).

First, on my soapbox for the rant. LUBE: USE IT!

If you’re rubbing something and want only the right kind of friction? Lube makes that easier! If you’re sticking something into somewhere else? Lube can help! Even if that somewhere else provides natural lubrication, more can only help!

A guy once told me that he was vanilla, by which he specified he was uninterested in “sex involving anything other than the human body and a condom.” The condom was probably only mentioned because of social pressure. He also pointed out the brand he had “were lubricated” when I suggested using lube, and seemed to find the idea of adding more distinctly uncomfortable. Which, fine, prefer what you prefer, but my advice to everyone else is: don’t fuck someone who finds lube too kinky for them. After all, they’re not interested in making that fucking any easier.

Also don’t fuck someone who finds the idea of lube an insult to their sexual prowess. Mucous membranes are gonna mucus, or not (oh god, I’m so sorry, I think all of yours have switched over to “not” for the next few hours now) for their own reasons, in their own amounts, whether or not you’re truly turned on and regardless of whether those amounts are sufficient to your desired purposes. Using lube is not an admission of defeat; it’s clever forethought.

So now that we’re all in agreement that lube is good to have around, I’ll step down from my soapbox and explain why the lube I keep around is Astroglide water-based gel.

So, T.C., what’s Astroglide like?

• First off, and importantly for my purposes, as a water-based lube, it’s toy-safe (unlike silicone lubricants).
• Second off, and even more important, it’s in our experience nice and body-safe (aka boytoy safe, if you will. And girlfriend safe. My partner goes by both.). The ingredients listed on Amazon are Purified Water, Glycerin, Hydroxyethylcellulose, Chlorhexidine Gluconate, Methylparaben, Glucono Delta Lactone, Sodium Hydroxide. If you’re allergic to any of those, I don’t recommend it, obviously.
• The gel part means this is nicely thick. This is great for two reasons: one is that it’s not very drippy like other, more liquid lubricants I’ve used. I’m zealous with lube, but having lots of slippery liquid in the bedroom can lead to other hazards–not such a problem with gel!
• Two, the gel part means this is long-lasting, and in our experience, a little can go a long way on a nonporous surface (ie a silicone or stainless steel toy. Your body is not nonporous. Don’t be stingy with lube if you think you might want more.)
• The texture feels pretty good. Like…I’m not sure what a good metaphor is. Easily the best goop I’ve ever run over my fingers. Silky? Creamy? It’s smooth-feeling and reassuringly cushiony.
  • The lubricant-feeling equivalent of wine-tasting may be far in the future yet, and they probably won’t invite me to pilot it. Which is fine, because I’m going to be content to stick with Astroglide water-based gel anyway.
• But most importantly, my beloved bottom raves about Astroglide gel too: it’s apparently one of their faves out of their experience, for smooth, comfortable texture and long-lastingness, and they’re the one it matters most to.
• It’s also nice and easy to clean up afterward. No stains from what I’ve seen, and as mentioned, not much dripping. Of course, it’s smart to put down a towel or a blanket first. My partner got a cool thrift store blanket with “Queen of the World” emblazoned on it for such purposes. I’m honored.

I was pleased to see it’s in stock at my local CVS, though even more pleased to have picked up a nice three-bottle supply off Amazon. I keep a bottle in my box of tricks, a bottle in my travel bag, and a bottle at my partner’s house.

The only other addition I may want to make to my lubricant collection–aside from some zany sampling extravaganza, which certainly is possible–is a blend that includes aloe vera for extra tissue hydration, something we sometimes need here in the dry northern winters when we vigorously attempt to keep warm. It’d be used in addition to a primary lubricant, and the one I’ll likely keep using is Astroglide.

But please, even if Astroglide isn’t the kind you’d prefer, keep an open mind about using lube. If your partner asks for it, don’t make them feel weird for it. Think how cool and sexy it’d be instead to say “Absolutely, and I’ve already got just the thing in my bag of tricks” as you pull out a 3-pack of Astroglide.

Well, *my* panties would drop.

Sex Toy Review: The NJoy Pure Plug (guest post)

Today’s a special occasion: this review was written by my partner and submissive, as the one with most firsthand experience and plenty of opinions. Also some resemblance to David Tennant’s portrayal of Crowley, being a tall genderqueer person with long hair and a preference for black, not to mention the dark glasses. If that explains anything. 😉

I’m a big fan of the “jewelry box” display, myself -TC

The NJoy Pure Plug – Medium

Imagine you awaken on a crisp morning halfway between the departing sting of winter and the enveloping warmth of spring. It’s one of those bright, dry, white-lit days that brims with a kind of saucy playfulness. Think of it as the complement to those late September evenings of which so much poetry has been written. No, today is not any ordinary day. It demands something unique.

You could break out the old tartan skirt and flame boots combo that’s just a little too Type O-Negative today. Maybe some ripped jeans and the leather jacket with the ‘Be Gay, Do Crimes’ patch sewn on one shoulder? Or why not go the opposite way, and mod out, Reservoir Dogs style, before giving in and turning it into a Crowley cosplay? Again. Maybe you’ll even look up a tutorial on how to tie a cravat.

Now, what would bring this outfit together? What are we lacking?

Of course! The plug!

When I was a baby kinkster growing up early days of the internet, I was double-shotgunned by a combination of bad online sex shops and bad online femdom porn. I came away with the idea that sex toys that go in your butt are meant to be disciplinary, even punishing. Purple prose taken from roughly ten zillion websites teletypes its way across my brain without even asking consent: “He moaned, the huge intruder stretching him to his limit, his moans muffled by the gag as he wondered how much more–” Etcetera.

And yeah, if that’s your bag, go for it. But it doesn’t do anything for me.

You know what does do something for me?

THE NJOY PURE PLUG.

Holy crap, friends! What a delightful little appliance I have come into contact with. Again, I’d had instilled in me a million years ago that anal plugs were hideous megaophallic dongs, and so while I knew I enjoyed sensations all up in my backyard, I’d kind of written off plugs in my mind.

WHAT A FOOL WAS I.

First, these widgets are adorable. They are *art* objects, crafted with love and skill out of a single piece of medical grade high stainless steel. They look like something Pris would have in her handbag in Blade Runner, and they feel…amazingly comfortable.

My girlfriend may have said “awww” when he first opened the box. – TC

I MEAN, LOOK AT THS ADORABLE LITTLE THING. It is a masterwork of handicraft, designed, created, and sold by people who are as proudly perverted as I aspire to be. The future is here. And you can stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Ease of Application: When my domme purchased this delightful toy for my (and her) pleasure, she wisely chose the Medium size, on the principle that 1) She knew I didn’t need a “small,” and 2) We can always size up if needed. I happen to be very, er, accommodating in that area (not through having done anything, the hardware just came that way), so fitting the NJoy was no problem at all. I am a huge fan of Astroglide, and abide by the wisdom of Erika Moen’s anal safety snails. Easy does it. Take your time. A gentle touch, a passage of the borderline, and the business end is resting comfortably inside.

As the Pure Plug narrows dramatically past this point, it gives no sensation of pulling or distending the anal sphincter at all. You guys, it’s comfortable. I could wear this to a black-tie event –  and probably will someday, if my domme has anything to say about it. What’s brilliant here is that whether or not you are achieving a state of party time is due entirely to your own muscle movements, your personal mindset, and what’s going on with your partner or partners. That handle you can see on the end of the plug is brilliant for keeping everything in place, allowing ease of removal (!!!), AND giving your partner some options, too.

It’s great. My domme can grind on me for hours without producing discomfort, but if she WANTS MY ATTENTION, I’ve just added another handle for her to grab me by.

In short, this was everything I could have hoped for and more. A brilliant addition to a toy closet that is filling up at alarming speed. Wear it all day for a spring in your step (is THAT why Crowley walks like that?) or slip it on in the wee hours for some fun and games.

9.5 out of 10*

*(Honestly, this would be a 10/10, but I have a mild paranoia about the thing slipping out – CLONK – at that black-tie event; a factor which has nothing to do with quality and everything to do with *someone* needing to buy the next size up before this year’s Halloween party. Yum.)

I think *someone* is supposed to be me. Bossy, bossy. <3 -TC

Sex Toy Review: The Five by Wet For Her

Wet For Her, as you might guess by the name, is a company creating sex toys “for women by women.” Neither my partner nor I are men, so we felt encouraged and affirmed by this tagline. In particular, it’s helpful that their insertable toys are designed with a slight bend that makes them able, with the right angling, to provide either g-spot OR prostate stimulation, since we have one of those between us.

(SheVibe also classes them as an anal safe toy because of the flared base–the more you know~ *flying rainbow*)

What we loved about the work of our fellow sapphic phallus designers (almost spelled that phellow sapphic phallus designers) is that the toy is nicely, sleekly phallic but isn’t trying to look like a penis. Not that I have anything against such organs; they can be quite beautiful and lovely. But wearing one myself would feel corny and unappealing. Obviously, some people would feel the exact opposite, and they might prefer to seek out a strap-on toy with balls and veins and so forth. Happy hunting to them! My partner and I, though, love the design of this one. It’s like a spaceship at my crotch.

Ready for liftoff, ma’am.

The Five come in several colors, and true to its simple and non-biorealistic design, none of them resemble anyone’s “flesh tone”. I choose the matte black because it matches my harness. The purple is also attractive and matches my partner’s cuffs, and there’s a rose pink for those whose taste runs that way. I’m only a little disappointed they don’t come in bi pride colors like some toys do.

“The Five” apparently refers to a “Five out of Five” star rating. It’s not a reference to length. Though as a matter of fact, the Small and Medium sizes of the Five both have a business length of 5.1″. They differ in girth, with the Small being 1.1″ or “two fingers” wide according to the Wet For Her website and the Medium, which I have, being 1.38″ or “three fingers”. The Large has an insertable length of 5.5″ and a diameter of 1.65″ or “four fingers”.

I own the Medium, and a happy medium it is. Actually, diameter-wise it feels like a bit of a squeeze into my SpareParts Theo harness; I suppose the fraction of an inch increase for the Large size wouldn’t be impossible, but I was surprised to hear the toy gets any wider while still being compatible with the harness. Maybe I’m just shy of forcing the O-ring. There’s a punchline to make, I’ll leave you to it. I do recognize the snug fit keeps the Five in place and offers me more control once it’s actually in place.

I guess I could have held up a dollar bill to measure, but that’s not where my focus was at the time.

Now, when it comes to easing it in–yes, let’s go there, though I should also note that 5.1″ turns out to be the perfect length for cocksucking when the sucker has a tameable gag reflex–the fact that the Five is made of smooth, seamless silicone is great. Lube spreads on it beautifully. And going back to size, I should note every condom I’ve put on it has fit fine, and I have not been very scientific in picking condoms (they advertise to me with a lot of words about the benefits “for him” and “for her” that just don’t apply).

The silicone is also easy to clean. Wet For Her’s website recommends soap and warm water, so I may have been overzealous the times I’ve also used boiling water, but that didn’t seem to do any harm either. (Okay, looks like the thorough advice is: soap and water first to clean it, then boiling to sanitize. So I’m good. But a tip for first-time toy cooker-cleaners, in case it doesn’t go without saying: hot silicone looks exactly the same as cold silicone. Let it cool down a bit before picking it up!)

Lately I’ve had my eye on another Wet For Her product, the Fusion. It’s also non-phallic in design and comes in the same color options. It’s about 0.2″ longer in each size category (I might go for the large, at 5.7″ long, since a slightly longer stroke could be pleasurable to both of us). And best of all, it includes a padded base with a ridge for clitoral stimulation. In the meantime, I’m supplementing my Five with the Sili Saddle, which as previously mentioned, I love (and I’d want a Sili Saddle too in any event for its versatility, since I can use it without penetrating my partner). A little experimentation is involved in finding the best angle for both my partner and I to receive optimal stimulation from our respective ends of the Five, but hey, that’s part of the fun!

Also mentioned in my Sili Saddle review, Wet For Her sells the Bumpher, with which one could reverse-engineer a Five for greater stimulation. However, the Five’s broad base–which is great for sticking on a Sili Saddle, for keeping it firmly in place for the harness, and even for stimulation on its own–makes me uneager to try pulling something on around it. It’s that reluctance to force O-rings again; that and, frankly, there’s very little less sexy than the thought of wrestling with my own cock. Although as soon as I typed that, a myriad of possibilities came to mind. Perils of being an erotica writer. I’m straying from the point. The Bumpher is probably an excellent choice for many people, and it has seemed to receive rave reviews for how it feels. As my toy collection expands, maybe I’ll try it sometime…

Putting any sort of pad at the base does a lot to increase comfort and pleasure–before buying the Sili Saddle, I actually folded up a menstrual pad to fit in between the Five and my body, and that also make the experience of using it a lot better (not that it was ever bad!). So if you’re not able to spring for a specially designed pad, consider this inexpensive backup option.

Ultimate ranking for the Five: I’m not sure if it’s 5/5, but it’s surely close. Attractive design, simple features, and the opportunity to combine with a few add-ons all make it a great beginner toy for some kinky sapphics (or even non-kinky ones!). While with experience, the Medium I purchased might be a little short, and the base becomes less desirable to use unpadded now that I’ve learned how great a saddle can be, “my cock” is a beloved inhabitant of my bag of tricks.

Sex toy review: Faux-Fur Lined Leather Cuffs from Luxurious Bliss

Is it right to call these a “toy”? It almost doesn’t feel right. They’re more like…jewelry. Decoration. Or, as my one wearing them once put it, a long-distance hug.

That means the color coordination in this photo is pure happy coincidence.

Yes, I might get fluffy in this review–even fluffier than the plush faux-fur lining of these gorgeous and long-wearing pieces, just one of the quality leather offerings from LuxuriousBliss on Etsy. To be honest, the lining is what attracted me to them first. It sounded so sensual and, well, luxurious. And even though I’m not the one who wears them, I like luxury.

These come in a range of colors–when I said this to my partner, who’s red-green colorblind, they said, “I believe you.” The colors are pretty heavily red, in that the selection includes red, pink, and purple. I chose purple so that they can enjoy them as blue.

The padding makes them a little bulkier than other leather cuffs I’ve seen. That and the fact that the colorful leather strip is rather long and can dangle if they’re on tight might make wearing them while out and about a bit inconvenient–at least on the wrist. My submissive wears on them on their ankles, where they’re no problem (and where they’re discreetly hidden by socks and pants cuffs). And for playtime, the bulk and strap length aren’t a problem; if the latter got to be, I suppose the excess leather could be trimmed off.

 Speaking of playtime, there’s also a D-ring on each cuff, for your convenience and pleasure :).

Not only is the strip of color attractive, I also find it makes the cuffs easier to put on as a somewhat newbie IRL dom–I know which strap to pull on and wrap over the rest of the cuff. So an A+ choice for bondage beginners.

I’ll close out this review with some words from my primary wearer of the cuffs themself: “Comfortable enough for me to wear 24/7 and forget I’m wearing them, were I not enjoying the experience so much.”

Finally, it’s key to note that these are as sturdy as they’re comfortable: 24/7 usage doesn’t seem to be making a dent in them (er, whatever the leather equivalent of a dent would be). Which is good, because we intend to keep using them for a long, long time.

All in all, an excellent choice for when you want to dominate your lover gently, thoroughly, and endlessly.

Sex Toy Review: Sili Saddle

Let’s start my new blogging venture–recommendations for some of my favorite toys–with this unique and memorably named bumper pad.

I think “sili” stands for silicone, which it’s made of, and I pronounce it “silly,” to my partner’s initial confusion. But silly name aside, I’m reviewing this piece first because, from the moment I first tried it, the Sili Saddle has become my most-used toy.

Without further ado–

First impressions:

• The Sili Saddle is shaped a bit like a flat, wide Viking longship.
• It comes in a variety of colors, including a plain “frosted” white. I picked a more colorful blue and purple so that it’s eye-catching and hard to misplace.
• Being soft silicone, it’s a bit of a “dust magnet” as I was warned in another review, so I wasn’t troubled to find it speckled upon opening.
  • It comes in a nice box for storage, and that does help keep down the dust some.
  • The rest is eliminated when the toy is wiped down before and after use with a wet wipe (SheVibes, the store where I get my toys–and to which my links are affiliate ones–offers a number of different cleaners, although I’m doing just fine with a bulk supply of ‘baby’ wipes from Costco).

A word on the texture: it’s described as “a soft silicone” and it is. Almost unsettlingly soft when I first picked it up. Growing up, my sister had this toy soldier that was made of super soft, stretchy rubber that still wigs me out just in memory. The Sili Saddle is nowhere near that bad, but first holding it reminded me how much floppy rubber is not my thing. The good news is, that immediately stops being a problem once the toy is in use–even if I’m still cupping it in my hand (and the bottom side is already more rigid than the top), the texture in my hand is *not* what I’m most aware of.

The soft, flexible silicone feels very very good where the rubber hits the road…I mean, on the business side of things. Those two “prows” to our Sili Viking longboat? They’re both meant to stimulate the clit, and I’ve also had a bit of luck just using that long ridge down the middle, which I believe is designed to slip easily between the labia. The softness is really a plus in this location, avoiding any hard “poking” feeling in place of a cushiony but firm caress. It’s, um, very good at that.

Correction: it’s fucking amazing at that.

Because of antidepressants (which are so very worth it for other reasons), my orgasms are not as easy to reach or as intense as they used to be. But when I use the Sili Saddle, an orgasm is

1. more or less guaranteed (especially when using my preferred position for manual stimulation)–at least half again as easy to reach
2. super intense. The kind where I’m lying wiped-out, blissed-out, breathing heavily, eyelids fluttering, surrounded by stars and rose-scented clouds…damn, they’re good.

It sounds like I’m promising a lot. Of course, your results may vary. But there is a reason this is my most-used toy and will probably continue to be.

And a reason both my partner and I have discussed writing about it in our future erotica efforts.

The saddle can be cupped in the hand, or slipped into underwear, or attached to the base of my dildo inside my harness (see pictures below), or rested on my partner’s skin for me to grind against. It’s amazingly versatile–it can be used in penetrative sex or frottage, masturbation or with a partner. Additional possibilities suggest themselves: the pad might cushion a bullet vibe to prevent “numbing out,” or avoid overly intense stimulation when the vibe is being run against an especially sensitive setup, for instance, the base of an inserted NJoy plug…

(Reviews of the Five strap-on, Theo harness, and NJoy plug are all forthcoming, BTW. And a review of that bullet vibe…for better or worse.)

I use a Wet for Her “Five” strap-on dildo. The Sili Saddle sticks lightly but firmly to the silicone base of the strap-on as both a cushion and a sensation enhancer.

For strap-on play and frottage, the pad is great to reduce pressure against the pubic mound. Other reviews have suggested it can provide a helpful cushion over the mons in PIV sex as well. If you have untrimmed pubic hair, though, do be careful of catching it (hasn’t been a terrible issue, but my partner is very understanding if I need to pause to shift the position of the saddle until it’s perfect).

Overall rating: 9.5 out of 10, has changed my sex life for the better, solves the problem of pressure/discomfort during strap-on play, opens up numerous other fun possibilities.

Alternative products:

According to some reviewers, the Bumpher, an alternative strap-on cushion, feels even better than the Sili Saddle. It seems to be made of a somewhat firmer silicone. It stretches to fit around the base of the dildo rather than simply adhering to it by the power of silicone stickiness, as the Sili Saddle does. The Bumpher is still on my wishlist, but the Sili Saddle seems more versatile overall and quicker to attach to the strap-on (to be honest, I already find the process of getting “in harness” fussy and didn’t want the added step of trying to fit the base into the Bumpher, at least not until I gain more hands-on experience). That made the Sili Saddle my first choice, and I’m already blown away, so who knows what “even better” could feel like…?

Wet for Her, maker of my beloved Five, also makes a variation known as the Fusion with an ergonomically designed base that includes clit stimulation. That’ll probably be my next strap-on toy purchase.

And when I do get either or both of those, you can look forward to my review here.