Loss

Now that it’s sinking in a bit more, I can write this, albeit in a state of shock.

My girlfriend/boytoy passed away last night or early this morning.

Our last texts to each other were about how thrilled we were to know each other and be so compatible. (His exact last text was, “Do you have any idea how over the moon I am to have someone who wants to?”)

It might be presumptuous, but I feel widowed. He wore my collar; we planned to move in together someday. I might even identify him as my fiance to explain how this feels to other people.  (He used he/him pronouns but “Every time you call me a girlfriend another cell of my body turns to light.” Actually he was pleased/amused to see “my girlfriend, he” in juxtaposition in my posts.)

I think I made the last year of his life much happier than it might have been. He made this past year for me unforgettably rich. 

I’m taking it one day at a time. I’ll be seeing my therapist ASAP. I am okay. Not good, and I’ll never be the same, but this is a crisis I can live through. My life will not be what I thought it was yesterday. But I will have a life.

I think I would like to dedicate Erato to him.

I have one of his finished fantasy novels sitting on my pile of books–I was reading it and marking it up for editing suggestions. I’m talking with his parents and may become his literary executor, getting the novel and some short stories published. Two of his stories are going to be in Erato.

The last thing he’d written which he’d sent me had started off as a kinky story and, in his words, “turned into a love note.”

I have and will love and be loved by many people in my life, but never quite like him.

He was a treasure in my life, and the one grace is that I know he knew it. And he made me feel like a treasure in his.